confide

Quitting social media isn't even on my new year's resolution list. This whole pandemic got me thinking like social media is the only way that I can use to stay connected with people out there since we've been fucking isolated for almost a year. But then, instead of getting help to stay connected with people, I got attached to social media itself. That's why I've deleted my Instagram and Twitter accounts. I didn't tell anyone the honest reason, and it was just like being offline for weeks. I told my friends that I got distracted, so I tried to restrict my phone usage by taking a break from social media. 

Well, honestly I don't really fucking care about the phone usage. Because I know how to manage it. Step away from my phone isn't a big deal, and I don't have to quit social media because I'm not addicted to it. But the thing is... social media has affected me, badly. I've realized it since a few years ago. So I had restricted myself from Instagram, and I never spent more than 15 mins per day on it. I started to use Twitter as my digital diary, but end up following a lot of people and that's how the shit got messed up. Even though I spent less than an hour on Twitter in a day, but it has given me such a powerful impact. 

During pandemic... starring at the screen, reading what's trending, seeing what mutuals are doing, how can this shit attack me seriously?

Me, automatically being disgraceful by comparing myself with some strangers on social media. I let my head being shaped by their shit, and it makes me can't see myself in the same way as I used to.

I used to like me. 

I used to feel that I have no problem with the way I look. I used to take a picture, and feel like oh okay I look cute. Now, I stop taking selfies. I can't even set my own photo as a profile picture on WhatsApp. I took the mirror away so I barely see my face because I found myself ugly. 

I used to wear everything I want. From short skirt to baggy pants, from flourish to full printed Spiderman t-shirt. I used to dye my hair with every color that I wanted to try like from neon to pastel, but now I keep it dark brownie-like shit. Yes, I was happier because I used to shrug off people's opinions of me. 

Being friends with social media means shaping shit through my head. I do care about what people think. I care about how I look. Seeing their posts, reading their threads, fuck self-love. That's shit. I even started to complain about my boobs. It takes me a few days on decision making to check out an outfit because I think nah, this doesn't suit my skin tone, this ain't complimentary with my small boobs. Like, fuck off. Why am I being a dick? What's wrong with me?

I'm having a battle with shit that doesn't actually exist. I'm scared of being unwanted if my flaws are noticed. I still care and worry about what others think of me when I've already known that nobody gives a fuck about how I look. The thing is, I keep telling myself that I'm ugly and shit when everyone is being nice to me. That's the proof that my biggest anti-fan is me.

Before the pandemic, no matter how much time I spent on social media, it didn't affect me viscerally.  But during pandemic, my phone is the only thing that I'm connected with and shit inside it plays with my amygdala relentlessly. 

I can't believe I'm still having this kind of strong relationship with lorazepam in January 2021. And that's actually okay. No one can hate me more than I hate myself? Nah, classic. This shit won't happen again. I've already deleted my social media, and now I'm reconnecting with myself. I'll increase my oxytocin levels and love myself again.