serendipity

Guess what? An unpredictable man with many unexpected things has come into my life. And of course, I’m going to talk about him. Yes, him, the unpredictable man. The one who gives a significant impact on my life. The one who cured my insomnia and anxiety~

We both met without looking for each other intentionally. It’s not like we matched on dating apps or something. We were just randomly connected by our common needs through serendipity. Well, I met him for the first time on my darkest night last year. Amazingly, he enlightened my day even when we were strangers and a hundred miles apart. No wonder he got my heart since the first time.

He is a bilingual, philomath, and such an avid learner indeed. For me, his brain is his #1 charming point. He looks younger than his actual age. He looks cute and cool at the same time. He keeps his body in shape by doing exercise every day. "I work out to attract you," he said. He’s playful and humorous. He looks funny especially when he is impersonating the way people act or speak. He's also quite expressive. Even though sometimes his silence confused me a little bit, his beautiful eyes still tell me everything. 

He’s such a unique guy. Unique means weird but in a good way~ 

His clothes are all blue, but he bought other colors like red and black recently. Red is the first non-blue color he has got. He showed me that red polo shirt and said, “I bought this red shirt because of you. I remember you mentioned that all of my clothes are blue”. It’s so unpredictable. Who knows I’d be someone’s reason to try something new?

Another thing, he likes eating and drinking. He’s also good at cooking. I’ve complimented his cooking skill, and he claimed that he doesn't usually cook. When we were having our dinner, he told me “You’re here that’s why I cook food at home”. Again, I’ve become his reason to do something. His words and actions are heartwarming.

He doesn't like such boring activity. He is just an unplanned guy, and this side of him used to annoy me. I also made him irritated by acting oppositely. We argued about this, maybe three or four times. But it’s all solved now. We were just having a slight misunderstanding because we care about each other’s feelings so much. That’s quite understandable since we have a cultural and language barrier as well. 

I still remember one day in the morning, when we were arguing about what to do and where to go, he told me, “The reason why I wanted to go anywhere because I enjoy traveling with you. I wanted to take the bus because I just want to sit next to you.” His words got me burst into tears. I couldn’t say anything, I turned around and held my tears. And then in the night, I hugged him and said sorry for being annoying. I explained that I was speechless because that was the first time for me to feel that kind of thing.

While I was crying in his arms, he said “I was upset because you didn’t tell me what you want. You also glanced at the window when I talked to you. I don’t know that you were teary. I thought you were angry.” 

And then he added, “The reason why I wanted to watch a movie also same. I just want to spend my time with you. Because in the theatre, I enjoy eating snacks, whispering, and sitting next to you. That’s why I can watch anything because the movie itself isn’t important. But you always think about what movie we have to watch when the thing is, I just want to spend my time with you.”

That got me thinking, oh that's why he felt unbothered by watching Raya and The Last Dragon in the CGV at that time. Ah, he is too good to be true. I don’t deserve him. Please. 

The fact that I kept wishing to die, and then I've met someone who wants to travel anywhere and watch anything just so he can spend his time by being next to me really got me feeling like my presence is required. He really made me want to live longer so that I can be there right beside him. 

It's heartening to know that I’ve become his reason to do something. I can’t say such sweet things as he does, but I want him to know that he has already been my reason for almost everything. I haven’t told him that he’s the reason why I'm so happy. I used to feel my life is pathetic, but he makes it seems compelling. He encourages me to do well, to study harder, and to take care of myself better. 

He’s the reason why I love myself again after I had so much hatred inside me. He’s my reason to stay alive. When I wanted to die, his presence told me not to die. He wipes away my tears and listens to my fear. He is my home, therefore, he gives me serenity. He probably hasn’t realized how much he means to me. I want to thank him for loving me unconditionally. I’m grateful because of him. I’m glad because it’s him.

Actually, I have never been treated this properly. Other people treated me like a piece of shit, they had taken me for granted and only being nice when they wanted something. So, I’m not used to be with a man who loves me honestly. He's not only good at taking care of me. He also concerns about my feeling. He even worries if I’m angry, and he doesn’t feel alright when I’m sick. That’s why sometimes I don’t know what to do because it’s my first time to be loved sincerely. Where else I'd find someone like him?

However, I'm afraid he might feel differently since I'm not good at expressing my feeling. I couldn't show him how anxious I was when he got sick. I don't show him how proud I am every time he tries his best when he works and studies. I even suck at taking care of him. Instead of helping him to relieve stress, I'm just being his burden and make it worse. That's why sometimes I stay quiet and feel guilty. I feel sorry because I'm useless and unable to help him. I feel so sorry because all I do is just take and receive, without giving him the worth things. 

I hope he knows that he's more than anything, 

All of the things between us are even more than just serendipity. 

His presence is beyond precious and such a blessing,

Without him, I feel myself is missing and deeply empty. 

I know that we're not living in fairy tales, 

I'm sure that one day we will see how it ends. 

Even if one day we come to an end, 

I'll be counting the days until we meet again. 

And as long as he's still living,

I'll always run to him no matter how far he is.

He keeps me strong, he helps me breathe.

I love him more than anything.