desperation

 

I lost a friend. He committed suicide after had been fighting against society depression and anxiety for several years. He's a nice guy, a warm-soft-hearted, and a caring person. But the world is just being too harsh for him. Last year, he came out. He told me that he is gay. "Is being a faggot, weird?" he asked. "No, because I normalize it," I answered. He continued telling me the detail about his sexual orientation. He was talking and crying at the same time, I could feel his pain. Being different and unaccepted by society sucks. 

"I've got so much hate because I'm different. They don't even want to know my reason. Oh, see he is a boy with the vagina, he ain't masculine, he is bad at sports. Look! He cried. Bruh, boys don't cry." Those words turned him into anxiety. His family doesn't give him a safe place called home. They make it worse. 

One day, he tried to speak up. But people judged him even more. It's easy for us to tell someone just don't give a fuck about what people say. Because we're not at their position in the first place. He kept doing his best to stay alive and survive until he felt an endless pain and tried to stop it by cutting himself.  As his close friend, I'm blameworthy for not being good enough at taking care of him. I didn't even pick up his call for the last time. If I had known it was his last time, I'd have apologized and said how much I love him.

Now he's gone. I'd like to congratulate our godly society for winning this battle by judging someone based on his/her sexual orientation and identity. LGBTQ is disgusting, they said. Faggots don't deserve to live in this society, they said. Boys don't cry, they said. Boys should be good at sports, they said. Boys don't dress like that, they said. Yes, they set the boundaries and genderized everything. This fuck me up. 

Okay. Take a deep breath. Rather than being fucked up by society, it'd be better if I reflect on myself. Be nice to people. If I can't say a good thing, then shut the fuck up because I never know what kind of battle they are in. 

Last but not least, I'd thank him for being brave enough to have lived with those shitty people who couldn't accept him just the way he is. And, I'm sorry for not being around him when I was too busy with my scars. Sorry because the world is too harsh and we're too fragile to be here. I'm so sorry.. buddy.